I don’t know.
I don’t know if it’s because it’s the start of the year. I don’t know if it’s because I just got back from my holiday. I don’t know if it’s because I will have to make some tough, definite decisions about my life this year… I don’t know.
I seriously have no answers to any of my questions.
Can I even blog? I don’t know
I’ve been thinking of a blog post lately – wondering about what it is I’ll say, what it is I will resolve, what conclusion I’ll come to upon reflecting on what I’m saying. But honestly, I haven’t come to any conclusions. I think about things and don’t have an answer. I feel things and I don’t know what I’m feeling. I speak to people and I make up some airy-fairy response about what I’m doing when in reality I’m lost and I need to be given a push. I need to be guided instead of do the guiding.
I am known as a reasonable and logical person amongst my friends (albeit me being plain crazy). I give reasonable, calculated and ethically (according to me 😉 ) correct advice. Yet when it comes to me, I can’t apply the same logic – so how logical and reasonable am I really? Do I even know what I’m saying to them when I say it? I don’t know.
So far this year has been great, but oddly ominous. Not much has changed in terms of day to day routine but everything has shifted. There’s an air of trepidation that I can’t shake – and I don’t know why – have I lost you yet? I am clearly rambling from my lack of not knowing things.
I started this post thinking I’d get an answer – an epiphany. I guess that only happens in the movies. But this is life and life is challenging, especially when you can’t see where your choices are taking you.
So, I look forward to the day when I get out of this tumultuous wave of possibility & doubt and enter the calmness of an open sea. When will that be? Who knows. Or rather I don’t know.